As children, we live as a carrot exists in soup. We are immersed in the flavour around us and for a very long time, that is the only flavour we know. We soak up information about the world in order to move through life safely. We encounter new situations and continually assign meaning to those moments. Just as a traveller packs for a trip, we fill our backpacks with beliefs, perceptions, and meanings in order to ensure a safe passage. We begin weaving our safety nets early in life.
The way we make sense of the world is shaped by our immediate environment: our home. What we learn about relationships, boundaries, needs, care, expression, belonging, and safety at home (our microsystem) echoes out into the big, wide world (our macrosystem). We equip ourselves with beliefs such as “If I touch a hot dish, I will get burnt” or maybe “If I express my anger, I will get punished” and “If I set a boundary, I will be ridiculed”, in order to avoid future hurt.
In a healthy, functioning family, a child’s emotional needs are met and validated. These needs include affection, acceptance, autonomy, empathy, connection, validation, expression, security, and trust. In a healthy home, the beliefs we form might sound like this: “If I am sad, I can safely express it, and my parents (and, by extension, the world) will soothe me with validation, empathy, and affection.”
Emotional abuse leaves us confused. Children, especially in their early years, don’t have a point of comparison, so they rely on their parents to anchor them in the dockyard of emotional safety. If that doesn’t happen, we may spend our lives at sea, feeling confused, lost, and nauseous from the endless swaying, instability, inconsistency, and insecurity.
Identifying and addressing this lingering sense of confusion is important. It stems from the dichotomy between the body’s innate drive towards safety and the external signposting we receive from our caregivers. When our internal compass points towards care, but our caregivers point in the opposite direction, confusion arises.
Examples include:
- Your dad walks into your room without knocking and you become angry. Instead of apologising, empathising, and validating your anger, he shames and belittles you by saying, “Stop overreacting,” or, “I’ll show you what it means to be angry. You’re grounded.” Your innate reaction is anger, which points towards care and self-preservation. Anger is activated as a form of protection against overstepping and transgression. It enters the room as an energy of self-preservation rather than violence or aggression. Your dad’s reaction, as your caregiver, rejects this protective mechanism and points you in the opposite direction. The message you may internalise is: “Suppressing my anger will keep me safe from being ridiculed or exiled.”, “It’s not safe to be angry with someone in a position of authority.”
- Your parents have an argument in a restaurant, and you feel fear and sadness in your tummy. “Are you and Mum going to get a divorce?” is an attempt to seek reassurance about safety, consistency, and connection. Your parents respond: “What do you mean? Nothing’s going on. Eat your food.” Such gaslighting from the very people we look to for guidance creates a painful dissonance. Your body naturally assesses that a bond may be under threat. Although occasional disagreements are normal, conflict is not our default state. Our system detects it. There is a perceived danger that someone might get hurt. It is a vital survival instinct to pick up on the signs of our parents’ conflict and become alert.
In both these scenarios, we submit to someone else’s version of reality, one that conflicts with what we perceive ourselves. We are left trying to reconcile two contradictory experiences.
If we are taught that we cannot trust our own built-in navigation system, we have no choice, but to follow what we are told. Without our internal compass, life can be a bumpy ride.
Another reason confusion is such a prominent consequence of growing up in an emotionally abusive environment is that we are learning from parents who aren’t rooted or grounded themselves. There is a dissonance between what we see and what our parents see. They are consumed and preoccupied with their internal demons, projecting them onto their surroundings. They perceive things in ways that we, as children, cannot understand or make sense of. They are stirred by their own childhood wounds and are often dissociated from their own trauma. Experiencing such a state of confusion erodes our confidence and sense of self.
How to remedy the echoing sense of confusion in adulthood?
You can begin to untangle that confusion by revisiting what happened with clarity and compassion. Think of a childhood situation that left you feeling foggy, uncertain, or ashamed.
What happened and what did you feel as a result? Separate your experience from the way it was interpreted by others.
Example 1: Your Privacy
What happened: Dad walked into my room without knocking.
What I felt: Exposed, uncomfortable, and angry.
What I was told: “Stop overreacting.”
Now, let’s restore clarity:
- My privacy was important.
- I had the right to feel comfortable in my own room.
- My discomfort deserved to be taken seriously.
- I deserved to have my boundaries respected.
Example 2: Your Parent’s Conflict
What happened: I saw my parents fighting.
What I felt: Scared and sad.
What I was told: “Nothing’s going on. Eat your food.”
Now, let’s restore clarity:
- I saw my parents fighting.
- My fear and sadness were real.
- It made sense to feel unsettled by their conflict.
- I deserved reassurance, comfort, and an age-appropriate explanation.
Repair your internal compass:
When your feelings were repeatedly dismissed, you may have learned to look outside yourself for permission to feel what you feel.
Rebuilding self-trust means learning to pause and ask:
What am I feeling?
What might this feeling be telling me?
What do I need right now?
Your feelings are information worth listening to, even when you need time to understand them.
A reminder to your younger self
- You weren’t wrong for needing privacy.
- You weren’t wrong for feeling scared.
- Your inner compass and intuition were true!
- You were a child trying to make sense of the world with the information and support you had.
- You deserved to be heard.
What is on the other side of the confusion? -Your Truth! It is time to find people who are clear mirrors and are not afraid to reflect you rather than change you. People who marvel at the beauty and richness of your truth rather than fear its depths.
